My Sister and I React To Riverdale's Heathers: The Musical

 Hi, everyone. Today I'm doing a collab with my sister, Amber. We're both big fans of Heathers: The Musical [I like the movie, too]. I'm also a pretty big Riverdale fan. So, when Riverdale did a musical episode of Heathers, I thought I'd love it, and......it didn't quite live up to my expectations. Both my sister and I like making sarcastic commentary on things, so I thought this would be fun.

I'll be writing in purple, and she'll be writing in pink, so you can tell our commentary apart. 

Disclaimer: If you're a fan of Riverdale and/or Riverdale Heathers, this isn't meant to offend anyone. This is just us expressing our thoughts.

We're just going in order of which songs came first, to make things easier.

Beautiful

I'm just gonna say it: the dancing was weird. I mean, the swaying? The hopping? What was that?

That choreography was not good. Also, the subtitles were weird. What was it they said? Get on your bike?
Okay, but that's not part of the song.

But that was an important part of what made it so funny. Along with the hoppity-hop.

The subtitles weren't part of the song, though. I somehow accidentally turned on the subtitles for YouTube on my phone, and now I'm not sure how to turn it off.

So I think that Kevin was good but why is he singing Veronica? Archie is bad, like super bad. Josie was pretty good but not as good as Kevin.  Betty was pretty good but not the best. Jughead, I just can't see him singing but it was fine. Veronica, she was one of the best, but not as good as Barrett Wilbert Weed. Cheryl was one of my least favorites, she just seemed like they were trying to make her the best singer with autotone but she just sounded bad. The background music kind of sucked and why did you take out all the great talking parts? Also who is Martha? WHAT? THEY DIDN'T INCLUDE MARTHA?

It really, really bugs me that they have multiple people singing Veronica's part. Also, they cut an eight minute song down to four minutes, so they skipped the dialogue, so it just seemed....choppy. I agree with Amber that Kevin's voice is the best, but everyone was good [except for Archie]. The dancing was weird, and the singing was way too autotuned and it was a little bit off-key [not that I blame them. They're actors, not singers]. I mean, it could have been worse, but it also could've been better.

Our Rating: 4 out of 10 stars

Candy Store

I'm sorry, did Cheryl just lift up her skirt, or did she do some weird backbend?

Okay, so, first of all, the lyric changes are....weird? Like, ''If you lack the juice.'' What juice? Apple juice? And ''Did zombies eat your brain?'' And the choreography was weird. Toni's was worse, though. And, like, they're both flipping their hair and skirts all the time, and it's weird. Also, why is Betty playing Heather Duke? I feel like she'd fit playing Heather McNamara better. And shouldn't Veronica, y'know, play Veronica? And whyyy are they just limited to the background? In the original, even though Heather C. was leading, they still played a big part of the song. And who is Toni supposed to be playing? Veronica? 

I hated the lyric changes because what juice? Maybe Toni stole Cheryl's apple juice and that's why she doesn't like her.  Cheryl's voice is not very powerful so she sounds strange.  Betty is ok but why is she Heather Duke? Betty should have been Heather M. And Veronica, if your name is Veronica you should play Veronica. But who is Toni playing? And why did they ruin my all time favorite Heathers song? Also what was with Cheryl and her weird kick? You better watch out or Cheryl will kick with her crazy alien kick. 

Also why is the background music so bad? And yes Cheryl we are gonna have a problem because Riverdale ruined the best Heathers song ever! 

Our Rating: 3 out of 10 stars

Dead Girl Walking

So the lyric changes were bad but why does Toni have to leave? Cheryl is not the leader, 

Toni could stay. And how can you be red? Well then I'm pink and no one else can wear it. Toni has a good voice but the autotone is bad. So Toni takes this girl and a guy to the stage but then a Cheryl ghost interrupts? Am I the only one who doesn't understand? 

I feel bad for Peaches and Sweet Pea. Toni legit wasted their time. She did a pretty good job hitting the high notes, though. But, also, she's Veronica now?? I thought Josie was. Also, Cheryl is overreacting about someone else wearing red. Also, no, she 1000% did not invent red. And the lyric changes? Nothing will beat ''Hold you 'til I break you.'' I mean, what does that even mean? If you want to do a more PG-13 version of Heathers, maybe don't do Dead Girl Walking. 

I do love how many Heathers references Cheryl is making, though. Makes my fangirl heart happy.

Our Rating: 4 out of 10 stars

Big Fun

They all sound super bored. I don't know if it's the autotune or what, but it's weird. And the choreography is kinda awful. And now Veronica is playing Veronica. I think her voice fits the part better, but why didn't they just stick with one person? And they ruined the ''dang-dang-diggity-dang-a-dang'' part. 

'It's no fun! No fun! We sound so bored we're having no fun! NO fun!'

Everyone apparently hates this party that's supposed to be Big Fun and their lyric changes are dumb. And why can nobody be just one character? Veronica make up your mind are you Heather M or are you Veronica? I don't like Evelyn's singing voice that much or Reggie a.k.a. dumb football guy. 

Our Rating: 3 out of 10 [we both just agree it was bad].

Fight For Me

It was the best one so far. So I conclude that Archie is playing Veronica in this production of Heathers. 

Archie was good in this one, and Josie was good too. But I didn't like them singing together. So when is Archie going to sing Dead Girl Walking? Archie is Veronica now. Where are the funny background singers? And why is Josie hugging Archie? He's all sweaty!

I agree. It was the best cover so far. Not nearly as good as the original, but it's a decent cover. I still don't like Archie's voice, but he sounds better hitting the high notes. And also Archie/Josie is far superior to Archie/Veronica. I don't really have a whole lot of opinions on this one.

Our Rating: 5 1/2 out of 10 stars

Our Love Is God

I love Kevin's voice, and Fang's voice. I'm not a fan of Evelyn's voice. The singing was okay, but what was with the weird hand waving? It was hilarious. And why is everyone wearing white turtlenecks? They look weird. Every part of this makes no sense.

Am I the only one who thinks this Fangs guy is a vampire and that the Farm cult are all vampires and Fangs is going to bite Kevin? Also they are wearing weird white turtlenecks, and creepy farm lady is doing a weird wavy thing.  I liked the vocals but I didn't like the creepy turtlenecks.  

Our Rating: 5 1/2 out of 10 stars

Lifeboat

I liked the vocals, Veronica's voice is a little low for Heather M. But  there's something wrong with the background music but otherwise it was good.  Why did they change the line? 

I just kept giggling, because I was picturing the weird turtleneck guys dancing around in the background doing the weird arm things. Cami has a good voice [though Amber's right, her voice is a little low for it]. The lyric change was unnecessary, but it was pretty good.

Our Rating: 6 out of 10 stars

Seventeen

It was a decent cover. Cheryl/Toni and Jughead/Betty all did a good job. It wasn't as good as the original, but it was a good cover. Idk what else to say.

I liked Betty and Jughead singing, but I didn't like how Cheryl and Toni too over. Why does Cheryl have to sing in almost every song? I don't like Cheryl that much,[voice wise]. 

Our Rating: 5 1/2 out of 10 stars

Seventeen [Reprise]

I liked it ok, but they sounded kind of like they were whispering or just singing super softly. And who came up with the dance and why is everyone taking off their jackets. 

I liked it, but I didn't love it. I loved how Betty and Jughead were covered in ash at one point, and had slushies [just a nice little nod to original Heathers]. 

Our Rating: 4 1/2 stars

So, that was our thoughts on it. I hope this was entertaining. Again, we weren't trying to be mean.

Here's some more stuff we came up with writing this:

-Jughead singing Freeze Your Brain, but with a milkshake from Pop's. 

-Nana Rose singing Dead Girl Walking.

-Archie and Reggie doing the Cheryl/Veronica dance-off from Season One.

That's all we have for today. Bye, everyone!

Are you a Riverdale fan? Are you a Heathers fan? Favorite song from the musical? Fav Riverdale cover?